The Perfect Mother

I remember as a small girl sitting up in the gnarled branches of an old apple tree with my arms full of dolls and teddy bears, diaper bags and doll bottles with real liquid that looked like milk and juice… I remember of sitting there hidden among thousands of lacey pink blossoms dreaming of the day when I would be “big”!! I dreamed of being a real mom with real babies; of having a real diaper bag of my own with real baby bottles of real milk…

Over the years since I have been grown up I’ve had the privilege of caring for a handful of dear children whom I loved very deeply but none of them were actually mine. I used to look at them and say, “ All I want out of life is a little family “ and again I would dream of having children who were actually mine; babies who the social worker wouldn’t take away just as they were entering the fun stages of first teeth, first birthdays, first steps and first words. I wondered sometimes how it would be to just let go and love without having to remind myself that someday this child will have to leave.

A year ago when I unwrapped the bundle of rags which had ruthlessly been thrust into my arms and saw for the first time the pitiful, helpless, dying, form of a 1 lb baby girl I knew that this was going to be my daughter. As I cared for her tiny body I dreamed of being the perfect mother for this precious baby girl. Some things that were very important to me for the first year were to play classical music and scripture for her constantly, to sing many hymns to her, I did not want her to have any sugar before her first birthday, and I wanted to give her only fresh vegetables, meat and some fruit for as long as possible before introducing things like pasta, bread, sugar and processed foods. I wanted her to have the perfect balance of gentle, sweetness and rough play so that she could navigate through life without being overly fearful and sheltered but yet be in touch with her feminine beauty. Blah, Blah, Blah… of course I could go on and on…

Now at one year of age she loves singing, music, dancing and she is very smart in spite of the fact that we live in a house with people who hate classical music… , she loves all food but her favorite is spaghetti, she loves spicy foods, and ketchup on her scrambled eggs, I give her almost anything including those junky toddler cookies, ( even mint patties ). She loves to play with the boys, giggles at bad faces and loud growls, teases the cat and hates dolls!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! what happened to my high ideals?

Well, I have had to redefine in my mind the statement, “ Nothing but the rarest kind of best is good enough for the very young “. Even though I am still in full agreement with it I figured out that the rarest kind of best here in Haiti looks pretty different from the rarest kind of best in some other places. I have had to fight through that fact and come to peace with it. As much as I would like to feed Veronika only unprocessed, natural, organic, whole foods I simply do not have that choice so I have to do the best I can with what I have. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot be the perfect mother that I once envisioned and I have to trust that Jesus will fill in the blanks where I fail.

Veronika enjoys a fresh mango!!